How six years in rehab fucked me up

 

I’ll admit it: I just wrote my first sensationalised title. The truth is more complicated. I was already a little fucked up before I worked in rehab - but for sure the complex environment made that worse. 

For six years, I worked as a Counsellor in the demanding world of rehabs called Therapeutic Communities (TCs). These places aren’t just rehabs; they’re micro-societies built on strict moral frameworks. Residents and staff alike commit to “basic living principles” — honesty, respect, punctuality, accountability — and every small action is scrutinised. Leave a cup on the bench, use disrespectful language, avoid confrontation, and you’ll receive consequences. 

Why is it like this? Well it’s because of the philosophy. It doesn’t believe addiction is about substances, it’s about behaviours. As addiction develops over time a host of maladaptive behaviours arise. Treatment means stripping away “anti-social” habits and replacing them with “pro-social” ones. And the way to do that? There’s a mix, but confrontation is at the heart of it. 

The Confrontation Culture

As a leading facilitator, I frequently ran groups with 20–40 residents, initiating verbal showdowns over micro-behaviours. The point was to achieve therapeutic outcomes by exposing maladaptive behaviour patterns, forcing accountability, and pushing people toward change. Sometimes it was a pivotal intervention. Sometimes it felt  unproductive and empty. 

True TC staff thrived in the intense environment. They relished the sparring, the dominance, the moral authority. I wasn’t that guy. My natural style as a therapeutic ‘Counsellor’ was softer — exploring subconscious dynamics, listening deeply, helping people connect dots, exploring their pain. But the role demanded constant vigilance and willingness to engage in conflict. Over time, as I was forced to be something I wasn’t, crucial parts of who I was eroded away. 

Burnout by Design

The model itself sets up an impossible tension: addicts are defined by maladaptive behaviours, yet the community demands immaculate morality! - The clash guarantees endless conflict. For it to work, staff must enforce the framework relentlessly, bucking the residents resistance. Constant cultural self analysis and correction is the norm. 

Add to that the unnaturalness of the role. You pour all your social energy into a community that isn’t truly yours. Boundaries keep relationships professional, so the emotional investment never comes back. You go home drained, with little left for real friendships or family.

Inside staff meetings, the contradictions multiplied. Decisions about residents were often clouded by personal biases, alliances, and unconscious motivations. What was called “clinical discussion” often devolved into gossip - one of the same behaviours we scolded the residents for! The place was usually absorbed with power struggles — between staff, between residents, between the ideals of the model and the reality of human behaviour, which whether it’s under the cloud of addiction or not, is very messy. 

Additionally, the role turns you into a critical and detached observer. Outside of the general maladaptive behaviours, residents have ‘treatment issues’ which are the unique set of factors underpinning their addiction. For instance, low self esteem, loss and grief, shame, identity issues to name a few. Your role as a clinical staff member is to help clients identify these issues and ensure their growth across the program. Overtime the habit of doing this becomes a feature of your personality. You start to see Treatment issues in all areas of your life and you feel compelled to change them. A kind of friction arises in your general experience because you see issues everywhere, then feel frustration and hopelessness when your efforts don’t lead to change.  

Rediscovering Myself

It’s been a year since I stepped away and I’ve spent most of my time in Ashrams. The contrast is stark. Ashrams focus on tolerance, patience, and self-responsibility. No confrontation groups, no moral sparring matches, no critical analysis. Just space to breathe, reflect, and be…

Instead of other people being your business, you make it about yourself. Your task is to look at yourself: How do I feel today, why can’t I accept this? What’s actually occurring inside me? What about my behaviour?! What inside me is impeding my peace?!

Its made me question: did I ever truly care about the cups on benches, gossip in corridors and other so called maladaptive addictive behaviours that weren’t literally using drugs?! Or was I convincing myself of their importance because the job demanded it?

The truth is, I cared about residents. I cared about their recovery. I could see how their addiction played out in non-obvious ways. I also did my job to the best of my ability and I was actually good at it. But living in a role that required constant vigilance, constant confrontation, constant moral policing and scrutinising — Overtime being like that it wore me down because it made me forget how to be.

What I Learned

Therapeutic Communities are unique and powerful. They really can transform lives. But they also demand a kind of relentless performance from staff: to embody moral perfection, to enforce rules, to confront endlessly. For some, that role fits. For me, it took a toll. I developed chronic pain, fatigue, bouts of depression diminished confidence and confusion. 

And so, after six years, I walked away — I learnt so much from that experience. Despite it being difficult at times, and losing parts of myself, I’m still grateful for it being part of my life. My challenge now is to heal, rejuvenate and to find more authentic living in the next chapter.  

An honest encounter with shadow.

I’ve commenced another Ashram journey, and its three weeks in. It's incredible to observe how many shadow parts of myself have been revealed over that time. Despite these being uncomfortable things to acknowledge, little own write down, I feel that it's very useful to do so. In fact, so do the great spiritual masters. Just recently, I stumbled upon a modern Zen master who dissected the key parts that made up Buddhist practice. One principle was that when an individual sits for long enough, and becomes truly mindful, they will indefinitely learn how crazy and disturbed their minds are! In Buddhism, through coming to know it with more gentle awareness, one develops more compassion for themselves and others. 

The following post encapsulates just some of the hidden and gloomy parts of my psyche that have been illumined over the last three weeks. I find it beneficial to write about, reflect on and share. Hopefully its useful for you too! 

Confidence

On any given day, I have felt huge ranges of confidence from being as confident as you could be, to being highly insecure. In this particular Ashram there is a far more social atmosphere, given there is a lot of general free time and freedom for community and relationship building. I have enjoyed this aspect a lot, but then, at times been terribly fearful of it too. When I’ve happened to stumble on a nice conversation with somebody and feel a connection, I feel much more content afterwards, but the feeling's fleeting. The next day, I'm stressed because that same connection hasn't continued in some way, and verified itself in my psyche..? 

I also notice that it's rare that I backup nice conversation with a following one the next day in a deliberate kind of way. I'm usually just a floater, cruising along the social milieu spontaneously and aimlessly but with a lingering angst. It leaves me confused as to how to be and act, given that my positive feelings depend on positive connection within it, yet I'm also so casual and take little agency towards finding it. Am I really this emotionally feeble? 

Isolation

I can’t help but notice a huge tendency for me to pull away, seek loneliness and isolation. It usually feels kind of gratifying when I attain it, but never fully. It's more like a reprieve than anything, a respite from normal worldly experience and I guess the kind friction it produces. It's also got to have something to do with the style of conversation that I feel comfortable with and have energy for. I cherish deep conversations, or creative ones, funny ones, even cynical ones. I dislike the small ones though, and so basically never go out of my way to make small talk with someone. 

But despite this conversational preference, it's become obvious to me here that just because I 'prefer' deep conversations doesn't mean everything has to be deep. Some of the deepest people I've met, like the long-term devotees, can be both deep and light as the mood requires. They seem to bounce perfectly from moment-to-moment, as if graced by the inner breeze that lies within each moment.  Making this contrast, it's clear that often when I lament the fact that deep conversations aren't available to me, it's more likely that I have a yearning to be heard on the dark themes I've been brooding about within my isolated smog! And this isn't the same thing as craving depth, it's more like a soothing for my sadness. 

Identity

Something that repeats in my mind continuously is the fact that I'm meant to be a so-called Counsellor and Mental Health professional. This identity, which has consumed much of my entire identity for too long and creates enormous inner conflict. Firstly, because it's so obvious, if I'm honest, that my own mind is pretty fuckin twisted, certainly not a beacon for the mentally well... And secondly, that so often I don't seem to be connecting or building relationships with people. People around me, seem far more likely to seek support, wisdom or clarity with others, yet this was meant to be my whole schtick... I'm meant to be so wise, so charming, so empathetic, that I would naturally be the candidate people chose more often than not to seek emotional comfort and share intimate confines with... right?! 

Once upon a distant time I was this person, I can recall, but now, no longer. Seeing others connect often triggers a swathe of doubts and question about myself and who I am, which can never really resolve. Then when I see it all, I'm confronted with how utterly ridiculous, selfish and unwise it is to be disturbed by others building relationships and enjoying their lives, which is entirely natural!! Yet in me the inner protestation against it feels righteous. Ultimately, what's required here is not a thought that can 'fix' this which I normally attempt to do, but a feeling, a sustained one, that harmonises my inner world with the outer. For too long I have sought thoughts, but now I know only through experience can a healing and new feeling arise. To this now I seek!! 

Resentment

A couple of time I've felt resentment and/or dislike build towards a few individua's. It's amazing how quickly and subtly a thread of dislike can emerge and brew into boulders within the psyche. In one instance there has been a young 21-year-old girl from a private school on the North shore. The girl is actually very nice, has an extremely bubbly personality and ultimately there is no issue with her whatsoever, but at times I've found her very hard to tolerate. 

Her utterances too regularly feel crafted to me, an effort at portraying herself in her most favourable image: fun, quirky, deep, caring, wise, experienced, spiritual yet also promiscuous, wild and so emotionally unstable. Her schtick seems entirely taken from an AI generated Instagram or Tinder recommendation as to how to build a successful profile in the year 2025. Initially I am baffled and curious by the phenomenon of the girl and ask myself questions: 'How the hell does she do this?', 'Was there like some manual she read?', 'Did one of her school buddies recommend the book', or 'is this just the predominant instinct that lives in her psyche?' As far as I can tell, as I write here right now, the latter is the most likely answer. 

Her branding tendency encapsulates everything I dislike in modern society, and so when her speech continues in this form that insults authenticity, my slither of annoyance festers into something larger and ominous. Despite my inner volcanic state rumbling, it's crazy to observe how others - pretty much everyone else - seems to have no issue with her whatsoever. In fact, she makes more friends with everyone else then I fucking do!! It becomes crazy for me to deal with and so the volcano brews. 

I want others to see what I see, to verify it, even though I'm sure!! My mind says, 'This girl is a fucking issue! She represents all the issues in society! She's fake, its fake, its ALL FAKE!' I want to commence a crusade, where I teach her and everyone else a lesson and do it so eloquently so as to leave no doubt as to the concluding sentiments. I want to bring her down to reality, show her my suffering, all the suffering, her immense privilege, her contradiction, the shallowness of her flamboyancy! And all this only increases as I see my wishes become increasingly out of step with the frequency and mood of the Ashram around me. I'm the only one who is having this reaction. I guess it must mean something peculiar to me, then...

As I take a step back, if I do it with enough space, and consider all things, imbue myself with the peace I have cultivated through spiritual practice, different perspectives become possible. As I open my mind and simultaneously narrow it down, I see how that what this girl represents much of what I've been unable to do, which is to allow the shallow side of myself to reign supreme, from time-to-time, to allow myself to live freely, without the weight of social and ethical issues bearing on every decision I make, to not allow myself to be a little bit cheap, a little naive, innocent, girly and god forbid... stupid!? Because of my inability to do this, I've suffered immeasurably in my life. At some early point, I mistakenly conflated personal honour with happiness, but these two things now I see are not two and the same. Only by allowing myself to be happy and sacrifice some of my inner nobility can I find more gentle happiness in life and find myself being less reactive to the shallower types I come across. 

Disappointment

And what about the disappointment I felt when I realised after meeting everyone here, that I wouldn't find my soul mate. I know how ridiculous it sounds. I mean, I can't even believe I'm typing this out, but it's true that in the first couple of day, some part of me scanned the room ascertaining whether someone could be the one, or at least 'a' one for brief time, and I concluded pretty quickly that it wasn't going to be the case. I felt bitterly disappointed of course, causing a depletion in motivation and a discernable sense of giving less of a fuck about the place and my place in it. Of course, I told myself before arriving that I wasn't here to find a relationship, because I was truly pursuing my spiritual path, although if something did happen, that would be great. I didn't realise how much weight my subconscious had put into the latter part of this of rationalisation process. Nonetheless, if I am truthful with myself, it happened, and strongly. 

What is this a reflection of? As I get to know very happy and single people here, of which there are many, it's clear that its meaning is a reflection more of the lostness of my soul, the emptiness, the ambiguity, the unhappiness that had crept in, and this attempt for my soul to resolve the issue through an easy kind of option - A lover. How often throughout history have bad choices in the name of love been made? When in reality what lies behind an individual is the unbearability of doing life on their own terms. Despite everything I've said here so far, I'm actually a fairly aware and strong individual. My subconscious doesn't reign over me controlling my life, but if it did, bitterness and failure would dominate my existence because of poor life choices. And besides as I sit and type away right now in a more mature mindset, I don't believe anyone knows whether love will manifest within a few days or weeks. True love takes time, months or years perhaps. 

Being a natural stoner 

In my first few weeks, despite feeling a range of different feelings, the most prevailing one has been one of fogginess, dreariness, vagueness and detachment. As much as I've tried to concentrate on the mundane tasks we're given during service, without random thoughts intruding and overtaking my consciousness, my efforts have largely been made in vain. It seems like the Ashram has noticed this too.

On two separate occasions, a male devotee as has pulled into a private meeting interrogating me as to use of smoking marijuana. Eventually after my repeated assurance that I am not taking any drugs they gave me feedback that my mannerisms, my general demeanor and lostness suggests that I'm smoking weed currently. I didn't mind that they asked the questions around this - I'm sure they've have had many deceivers arrive on their shores over the years and they need to ask questions early in order to protect the sanctity of the environment. But I was a little affected by the fact I gave people the impression I was a stoner more than anything else.

I mean, I'm actually a pretty clean, devoted and spiritual and person, aren't I? Ot maybe I am just a lost dreamer, who has vices and can't focus? I asked several of my Ashram companions about all this and most of them, laughingly said they would have assumed I was a weed smoker, too. I still don't know how to feel about this. I'm pretty sure this general state of dreariness has been due to getting of the vape, and perhaps other vices like coffee and the internet. The other side of it is that well, I'm pretty some part of it is actually just a feature of my personality. They call it being introverted intuition dominant on the Myers Briggs system which is what I've always been. Leading with perception, visions, dreams, insight, divergent thought. I know I can restore my mental clarity and use this feature of personality in really healthy ways in the environment, I want to restore this once more, so that no longer people assume I'm a stoner. 

 Dreams 

Lastly, but not least is just how crazy, perplexing and revelatory my dreams been since arriving in the Asrham. So often my dreariness during my waking state feels due to the corresponding intensity of my dreams from the night before, never really being able to fully wake up from them. Without going fully into my dreams here, I will broadly describe my dreams being those of dread, dreams representing many of the core issues that have plagued my life and caused problems. Things like my disorgansaiton at times making it impossible to take on responsibility, my inability to reconcile converging sides of myself. My masculinity being tainted with insecurity and doubt, making my image blurry or unconvincing. I've had dreams representing my challenges of leading teams that wouldn't listen, dreams about being with women who I haven't been in love with or even that attracted to, only to be glared at by perhaps a true lover who was never to be. I've even had dreams about large coffees in the morning and their relationship towards covering my psychological stress. 

Meanderings on Persona & Shadow during a long term Ashram stay

 

Section 1 - Intro

Today, I want to reflect on some of the lessons the Ashram taught me about Carl Jung's concepts of Persona and Shadow. During my time there, I became acutely aware of these archetypes and their large prevalence. I realised how harmful they can be to the self and others, while also having the potential foster immense psychological growth. They intrigued me because they were so difficult to recognise, let alone understand and counteract, yet they had an enormous influence on the overall culture.

In my first few months at the Ashram, I was largely unaware of how these archetypes were shaping the dynamics around me. I was naive at the time, and because of this, my internal state was frequently unsettled. Only after some reflection and further reading did I begin to grasp what was truly happening around me and develop the resilience to ensure these elements impacted me less. It was reassuring to discover that what I found so fascinating had also intrigued prominent intellectuals and artists throughout history. Carl Jung, the renowned Swiss psychoanalyst, considered them central to his overall philosophy and approach in the early twentieth century, and they’ve since become common knowledge. Numerous works of art and literature also indicate how many artists have been captivated by them too. The two examples I will explore below are, ‘The strange case of Dr Jekyll and Me Hyde, and ‘Fight Club’. 

What are the Persona & Shadow Archetypes? 

Carl Jung explained the Persona as the part of the Psyche that we present to the world. It's our public personality, shaped to make an impression or to be seen in a specific way. The Persona works to mask other aspects of the psyche that may be viewed as negative or not fitting the desired image. It’s influenced by the cultural norms of the time, adapting as societal values shift. The Persona is often used as a tool to meet psychological needs like love, attention, belonging, admiration and status, etc.

'C. G. Jung, Two Essays on Analytical Psychology (London 1953) p. 190' 

Although there is something intrinsically flawed about the Persona, Jung viewed it as a natural and healthy part of human psychology, and having a strong Persona isn’t necessarily a problem. Without some control over what we present to others, our relationships, and society would likely become chaotic and unruly. Problems arose, however, when people overly identify with their public persona, ignoring or suppressing parts of their true self, including traits like greed, desire, loneliness, or anger, etc. When the Persona tries to dominate, its corresponding archetype, the Shadow, inevitably gains unconscious control over the person, which can become destructive. Jung’s solution for resolving issues with this dynamic is for individuals to face and integrate the repressed aspects of their Shadow into their overall personality.

“The shadow is that hidden, repressed, for the most part inferior and guilt-laden personality whose ultimate ramifications reach back into the realm of our animal ancestors.” — Collected Works of C.G. Jung, Vol. 9, Part 2 

 “Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” — Jung, 1938 

a quote from king saying it’s important to integrate the shadow

Persona & Shadow in culture 

I feel like I've always known about the Persona & Shadow dynamic, just by virtue of growing up in the culture I'm from. Seemingly, the dynamic or presence between these archetypes has always had some kind of role in my everyday life. I remember, growing up for instance, when I misbehaved, a common phrase my father responded with was, 'come on mate, get your act together'!! To me this symbolises a common attitude and behaviour in my culture where people - deny, control or limit perceived negative aspects of themselves through acting. I'm not making the argument here that our culture was good or bad because of this, or overly Persona based compared to other cultures. I don't actually know what I think about this... All I'm saying is that this process was totally normal where I’m from. 

The advent of Social Media

If the relationship between Shadow & Persona was pervasive in culture when I was growing up, surely it is has only increased in the culture over time. Social media use seems to heavily revolve around the process of Persona creation. Subsequently, it seems like there has been exponential growth in the dynamic of Persona & Shadow in our culture. 

One of the reasons for this is that social media incentivises Persona creation. This happens, because on social media people are rewarded for generating images of themselves that attract attention and popularity. As detailed before, the very function of Persona in the Psyche is to create impressions on others in order to be seen in a favourable way. Consequently, a culture has emerged where it is normal for people build personal brands for themselves, rather than rather be authentic individuals. In the following quote, Mark Zuckerberg, the creator and staunch defender of Facebook from public criticism acknowledges this trend: 

“Think about what people are doing on Facebook today. They’re keeping up with their friends and family, but they’re also building an image and identity for themselves, which in a sense is their brand.” — Mark Zuckerberg

When Zuckerberg made this statement in a public forum he was actually promoting this trend. To him, there was nothing inherently problematic by there being powerful new technology in society that increased the populations propensity for inauthenticity.

Persona and express it to the world to gain popularity, and for some to actually make a living. People who do this are now called 'Influencers' who are literally paid to influence all the rest of us. Yet these people are only representing tiny parts of their personalities, that they wish to project. According to some contemporary Jungians, the nature of social media and its incentives can potentially increase the kind of Persona & Shadow split within a person's psyche, leading to detrimental effects, 

“Social media platforms provide individuals with unprecedented opportunities to present themselves to a global audience. As a result, the relationship between one’s real-life identity and the online persona becomes increasingly complex... The quest for social approval can foster a cycle of comparison, self-doubt, and anxiety... creating a disconnection between one’s real life and the carefully crafted digital persona.” — Victoria Berumen, The Impact of Social Media on Self-Identity Formation (Date, etc). 

But this relationship has been occurring and having detrimental effects far earlier than the digital age. One way to be sure of this, is by looking at earlier influential pieces of film or art. Take, for example, Robert Louis Stevenson's novella 'The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde' (1886), which has been adapted numerous times into film and theater. In this story, Dr. Jekyll, a scientist aiming to improve humanity, creates a potion that separates the primitive, selfish, and evil part of his mind from the moral, good-natured, or 'human' side. Dr. Jekyll transforms from a meek, shy, bookish scientist into Mr. Hyde, a nocturnal hedonist who is the life of the party, adored by women, spends money wildly, and drinks excessively. As the story progresses, the duality between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde intensifies. Mr. Hyde's reckless behavior escalates into physically abusing his mistress and committing murder, all while reveling in his actions. Dr. Jekyll, unable to reconcile with his darker side or find joy and assertiveness in life, increasingly relies on the potion until Mr. Hyde fully takes over. The story ends with the deaths of both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, exploring the concept of man's duality and the separation of selves, and the destruction to oneself and others this can lead to. 

Consider the book Fight Club (1996), which was adapted into a hugely successful film three years later. The story follows an unnamed protagonist struggling with insomnia and depression caused by frustration with his job and meaningless career. Along the way, he meets the mysterious and intriguing Tyler Durden, with whom he forms a bond. Together, they start drinking and fighting, enjoying it so much that they attract other men to join their Fight Club, where participants engage in and watch organised fighting matches. Over time, Tyler becomes the cult leader of Fight Club, now a nationwide organisation aiming to destroy the Western financial system and free those oppressed by it. Meanwhile, the protagonist grows envious of Tyler's exclusively sexual relationship with a woman named Marla. In the story's climax, the protagonist discovers that during his insomnia episodes, he actually became Tyler Durden, who represents his repressed, primal desires. Much like in Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, the dark self ultimately turns destructive when the central character fails to recognize and integrate this part of their psyche.

In each of the examples in art and literature, we can see how artisists have explored the motif of persona and shadow through their stories. These artists obviously found these themes relevevant to produce art of them, whether they noticed these themes in themselves, or observed these themes within the broader human context, I'm not sure. Either way, the fact that the art pieces have been made, like many others that exist (These are some of my favourties) informs us about this dynamic in the personality.  If you wish to understand this dynamic further, please go and watch them as i did to gain further insight around the topic.

Persona & Shadow in Clinical Practice 

Before I committed to and commenced wandering the spiritual path, I worked as a Counsellor & Psychotherapist in a Drugs & Alcohol setting. Overtime, with the privilege of exploring the deeper realms of these clients' inner world, I saw more and more of the relationship between Persona & Shadow and its connection to addiction. There was one client in particular who the bulk of our work together emphasised the dichotomy and destructiveness of the divided parts of himself. This man had long standing Drugs & Alcohol issues (over 20 years), had been diagnosed with Bi-polar 1 disorder (the non-psychotic kind), had a history problematic relationships and anger issues. As he settled into the rehab facility his mind and personality were left bare, without drugs and alcohol. The worked between us came to be about resolving the significant discrepancies between his moods, that persisted into the program. It was clear that when he either side of his low or high moods, if given access to drugs &/or alcohol, he would use. 

When we revealed his inner world it showed how there were parts of himself that existed simultaneously. There was a side of him that suffered from dark nightmares, grandiose fantasies of being with and attractive to all, having unsurpassable charisma and intelligence. This aspect of him was fantasy however, and his personality was plagued by these fantasies and the fact he in reality embodied very little of these characterisitcs. During these periods, he became physically unwell, had low moods, was easily irritable, became judgmental and suspicious of others, commenced indulging in plans to escape his situation in rehab for an idyllic lifestyle where everything he wanted came true. 

Conversely, he entered other states where is mood was upbeat. He followed the program and structure in place with it, but underneath his experience, it reflected a man who had embodied the fantasy nature. As he interacted with women his conversation was more suggestive or playful, he walked away from the interactions telling narratives where they found him attractive or desirable in some way. Ultimately, this mood or state came undone or stuck because the narrative that was generated was in no way proportionate to his real or authentic self. The world in response wasn't seeing him in the way he saw himself, and therefore despite his attempts, the actual desires he believed would be met by the worlds response to him, would not get met. He would ultimately be confronted with the fact, wasn't in anyway, the fantasy image he had of himself. 

Additionally, with connection to drugs & alcohol, he and I learnt how the inhibition that the drugs & alcohol provided him with, made it possible for his ID or his fantasy to express itself. 

Section 2 - Exploring Persona & Shadow throughout my Ashram experience 

Philosophy within the Hindu mystical tradition

In Hindu mysticism the purposes of becoming aware and eradicating these features of our psyche are not just moral, or to create a closer relationship with God (which is the focus in Christianity), it is to actually become a divine or Godly being. The mystics believed when we detach our awareness from the senses which give identification with the body, and with the thoughts in our minds that are connected to our bodies, naturally arises the more spiritual dimension in our psyches. The Yogis called this Atman which is the pure self that underlies all aspects of a person's being. It is the unchanging essence that is either identical with or intrinsically connected to Braham which is the universal and ultimate spiritual source that underpins all creation. 

“The Atman is not born, nor does it die. It did not spring from something, and nothing sprang from it. Birthless, eternal, everlasting, and ancient, it is not killed when the body is killed.” — Katha Upanishad 2.18

“That immortal Brahman alone is before, that Brahman is behind, that Brahman is to the right and left. Brahman alone pervades everything above and below; this universe is that supreme Brahman alone.” — Mundaka Upanishad

Basically, the aspiration of yoga is to spend as much time in this more cosmic and divine realm of ones inner nature as possible. By doing this, they develop insights about their spiritual nature (Atman), the spiritual nature of the universe (Brahman) and the kinds of illusions that being identified with a physical body create. As a Yogi continues on the spiritual quest and succeeds, they become more are more like expressions of God itself. We see this through the many revered Guru's and Yogis throughout Indian history. Some The recent examples are Swami Sivananda, Swami Satyananda or Neem Karoli baba.  

When a Yogi is successful after dedicated years of practice they develop many kinds of insights and transformations: 

Atman is eternal: The yogi realizes their true Self (Atman) is birthless, deathless, and untouched by worldly fluctuations.

Detachment from ego: The personal identity (ahankara) is seen as a construct; the yogi no longer identifies with it.

Unity with all beings: The boundaries between self and other dissolve; compassion and empathy arise naturally.

Impermanence of all things: Through meditation, the yogi sees that thoughts, emotions, and even the body are transient.

Witness consciousness: The yogi abides as the silent observer (sakshi), no longer entangled in mental drama.

Inner silence and bliss: A deep, unshakable peace emerges, often described as ananda (bliss) or shanti (peace).

Freedom from desire and fear: The six enemies (Arishadvargas) lose their grip; the yogi becomes inwardly free.

Realization of Brahman: In advanced stages, the yogi may experience non-dual awareness—Atman is Brahman.

Practices like Meditation and Yoga are central to the tradition and spiritual development. This is because they develop awareness of the mind and senses, which ultimately brings the aspirant into contact with the Atman.  

“Dissolve the self in the supreme Self as the pot-space is dissolved in infinite space; then, as the Infinite, be silent forever, O sage!” — Adhyatma Upanishad

Other practices highlight the intent of the Yogis and aspirants through more symbolic and ceremonial means. Take the weekly Havan ceremony for instance. In this ceremony the 'Six Enemies' are symbolically offered by all into the burning fire that represents purity and eradication. The Six Enemies are Kama (Lust), Krodha (Anger), Lobha (Greed), Moha (Delusion/Attachment), Mada (Pride/ego), Matsarya & (Envy/jealousy). One can see similarity here with the Christian 'Seven Deadly Sins', however, amongst the Yogis, the reason is not just for a moral one, or to create a greater relationship with God, to avoid committing sin and going to Hell, its for the individual to directly transcend these animalistic parts of themselves. 

“Be imitators of God, as beloved children” — Ephesians 5:1 

 “We shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is” — 1 John 3:2

 

Why does this lead to issues with Persona and Shadow? 

Given this emphasis Hinduism it's easy to see how it can fuel unhealthy patterns of process of Persona and Shadow in the aspirant. The path of yoga promises people a connection with the divine, to be an individual imbued with light, radiance, to become an individual so full of light that anybody in any room, all individuals would be stuck by the light shining off them. To be indisputably admirable being for wisdom, intellect. They are a supreme being, with ultimate authority with surpasses all individuals in the earthly realm. All the politicians, scientists, athletes for instance, naturally bow down to the spiritually enlightened. Who wouldn't want to have these promises given within the Hindu mystic tradition?! 

Persona in the Ashram

 Although I would love to discuss the prevailing persona in the public realm today. This is a truly fascinating area of exploration, for now I will leave this discussion out. 

In the Ashram, a common kind of persona I witnessed, just like all new Age cultures, was that connected to deemed 'spiritual qualities'. Despite the spiritual path being extremely arduous and taxing, requiring immense dedication, sacrifice and faith, individuals created spiritual personas after relatively brief commitments to the practices and/or lifestyle. This seemed to be the case when the normal and selfish motivations that exist within all human beings: the drive for love, admiration, attention, uniqueness heavily prevailed in the person's psyche. Of course, all humans, naturally and healthily have these needs and motivations, however, not all are aware of how this need underpins their spiritual pursuit. When this occurs, their pursuit remains futile, because the actual challenge and task of spiritual pursuits are to reduce the influence of these motivations. We see this within the philosophy of yoga, and Christianity just name a few examples. 

How people who are overly identified with their shadow manifest it in the Ashram

 As far as I have been able to tell through my observations there are certain qualities that these certain individuals try to portray. These qualities are: 

 - perceptive of the subtler and invisible realms to the uninitiated 

- someone who is literate of spiritual concepts themselves 

- someone who has transcended the normal perceptions people have towards each other of dislikes and likes

- to something more esoteric and ethereal, beyond humanity. 

  Methods for portraying these qualities

 Using language to communicate spiritual identity

Often these people when gossiping infused their language with spiritual concepts like 'prana', karma', 'energy', 'shadow' etc. They would say things like, 'felt an unsettling energy from them', or 'I noticed strong prana with that person', or 'their karma must be causing that to happen'. Through this language, these individuals were subtly displaying to others their highly spiritualised internal reality by imbuing their communicated reality to others with some kind of higher or more spiritual perception. 

Using ceremony 

One notable and specific everyday example I can give is when commencing a Karma Yoga shift in the garden. An individual who was coordinating the work forced all the members of the session to participate in Puja, which a ceremonial act of worship in Hinduism involving lighting incense, fire, and time for setting intentions. Of course, this individual would scoff at the idea that this act was motivated by persona or 'fake identity', because many genuinely spiritually people would actually do the same kinds of practices. But, what reveals the individual's behaviour to fake, is what is revealed to be their true personality in other moments. In genuine spiritual people and Swami's that I observed and encountered, what lied underneath was far different, which I will discuss more at some other time. 

Using appearance 

The culture of the Ashram and its underbelly or Shadow

Frequently, the underbelly culture of the Ashram revolved around gossip, alliances between individuals. In between program session, which in the Ashram is frequent, individuals, discussed their dislikes and likes - it was amazing to me how many different opinions there could be on a serving of porridge for the morning. The opinions they had of a particular person who wasn't there at that particular time, a particular concern an individual had around their popularity, or a conversation that was as genial and 'normal' as those that would serve to fill up space, deflect from a confrontation with the self, and had little to no self-awareness or the awareness of others, or to simply make friends. Commentary on the particular class of yoga that day, the characteristics of the yoga facilitator and the aspects of their delivery that they like and disliked. 

There was always some kind of dynamic occurring in the Ashram - as there always is within groups of people. At any given time, people were moving towards or away from eachother. 

The kinds of situations that provoke selfishness

There were many types of instances where I saw peoples' idyllic personalities disolve into something far more sinister, selfish and well, real...The following are just a few: 

- When individuals come under a high degree of stress or tension with others
- When something they claimed ownership over is threatened
- When they feel their freedom or particular goal, an object of desire becomes jeopardised 
- A way of operationalising something that they implemented comes is altered 
- A position they use to claim status of over others is threatened
- A role which offers them special privileges or access is threatened 
- When their chosen identity is under threat 

What was revealed about people

So often, proceeding these moments, I witnessed peoples' personalities shift from the idyllic persona to that of the following kinds of characteristics:

- Viciousness 
- bitterness 
- staunch defensiveness 
- an inability to be generous take personal responsibility 
- or to cater for or care for other's needs surface 
- an inability to be partial 
- see beyond the current circumstance into something wise 
- to use fair or temperate judgment 
- to see past their initial instinctual and unhelpful reactions into a more helpful and responsiveness
- failer to recognise how their behaviour contradicted their self-image
- an lack of concern as to whether were contradicting their projected identities and proclaimed principals
- ultimately reveal themselves to be less concerned about authentically being and living their proclaimed spiritual identities, as to be someone who gained many social benefits from being seen in this particular way. 

Genuine spiritual transformation 

Obviously, what I have just written about can suggest that I am writing off spirituality all together. It is common for people who here a critique of a thing to assume that the whole is discarded therefore. This is not belief at all actually. 

The Indian spiritual philosophy does give risk to the rise of many narcissistic individuals and create kinds of Shadow complexes in other more benign individuals, still nonetheless, there is a realm of genuine spiritual realtisation that I completely believe is possible and attained through many of its practices and beliefs. 

Although, during my time in the Ashram, I came to became to believe in a genuine guru, and someone who can transcend the selfish, wordly and earhtly plains of human existence. I came to believe that there is such a thing as spirutuality, and the divine. There is a spiritual path so to speak which leads someone to attain it.  

Genuine transformation, authenticity as seen in Swami's

Something on what seems to occur when persona is less activated 

Something on the basic motivation of persona here, and how easy it is in the spiritual world for the activiation of the persona complex to arise as individuals wish to transform themselves into 'higher beings', 

None the less, unless genuine transformation has taken place (which is incredibly hard to achieve), the typical human desires still typifiy these people with those such as: wishing to receive approval, be loved, admired, to have status over others, etc. 

Include example of Guya here from the Kitchen: 

Why the following was a prrocess of insight, and very useful for me to go through

My peprsonal triggers 

None of this should be that surprising though, should it? I am a Counsellor after all, right? I'm meant to a student of psychology and society and so when coming across the kinds of laws of human nature why would it be surprising? I guess it shouldn't be, but still, so when I arrived at the Ahram, my normal sensitivities and perceptiveness of others, fell out the window. I was naive and childish at the beginning, somehow believing that all the things I had seen from humans, and learnt about they might be fundamentally different, in a place dedicated to spiritual practices. This naivety made me incredibly vulnerable, by the way, as I was unable to cipher between the bullshit from the true. I believed the messages of persona given by people as to be true, which made me easily manipulated by them - This feature could be a blog in of itself!!

Talk about how navgating this world was incredible for me because as a Counsellor in a rehab, I often felt so detached from such things. Somehow being in amongst a culture with so much happening felt more alive, felt more invigorating, I could feel how difficult the challenges that faced people in real life so much more. So often my approach was to say to someone, 

Conversation about why this is useful to think about for me and for others

Describing all of these things in the Ashram, in a way, doesn't seem that profound. It's like, of course this kind of thing happens in Ashrams. Of course it happens there, because it happens everywhere else. And so, if it's so common, so obvious, then why does it feel important to write about?! Well, the reason is because, first of all, as I described above, when I first arrived, I was blindsided by the persona. Only when I started seeing through it, did I gain my strength and resilience against it. But also, a similar process happened to everyone else there. So often did individuals become seduced by persona, did they allow themselves to be charmed to then later be hurt. (What are examples of this)? Both in the Ashram and the real world. 

But, is it unusual to be fooled by peoples personas? I mean, hell no. As far as i can tell, many people in the Ashram but everywhere I have been, have been misled by personas which they have come into contact with. How many abusive relationships have started with an individual falling for a persona as oppossed to the real person?! - I don't know if theres any studies on this, but I'm there is alot. 

Conversation about how our world is increasingly persona based making all of this far more common, right?! 

We live in an increasing artificial world. A world where people don't really what other people are like because they are isolated. A world where people get to know others through tailored social media platforms. All throughout history, the overuse of the persona was forcibly squashed by the demans of life, because indivduals were forced to live with others thier lives. People grew up in large families, were in constant contact with sibilings, aunties, aunts, parents etc. They lived busy lives, which demanded their constant effort to survive but also to get along. Its simply no possible to, or conducive to ones goals, live consistently through the persona in these environements. (WHY)

(mention Carl Jung her and the shadow)

Of course, everything I'm talking about here is a reference to Carl Jung's work, which coined terms like persona and the Shadow for instance. 

Then talk about elements of society that now increase this particular like Chat GPT being used for Cover letters and resumes. 

Major point: It seems like the more we fake ourselves towards these idealisitc images, the further we are from actually becoming them. 

Conversation about a genuine spiritual person

Mention Atma, the only genuine Swami I met who refused to self-advertise. 

Reference the studies by the primatologist who compared observations of primates to human beings. Some of the key findings he made in primates, what he believed it meant for our understanding of humans. 

SWAMI's infighting an insecurity, bullying behaviour

Observing this raised the question and highlighted to me, how what ostensibly seems like a place where people are wonderful because I was interacting with their 'personas', ultimately, transforms into a perception of the reality of people and the environment because people were not in fact those personas, they were far more self or self interested, and willing to be unkind and in order to maintain their own self - interests. 

 For instance it was common for people to have abandoned the norms of society in search for something more meaningful, and spiritual. They saw themselves as highly spiritual people, despite being on the path relatively briefly - 

Discarded Content 

One significant aspect of the theology and practice shares a strong resemblance to Christianity. Central to this theology is the goal of transcending the six Arishadvargas, or six enemies. For example, Our head Swami often emphasized the importance of practices that help us recognize these traits within ourselves and how they obstruct spiritual growth. Embracing this principle not only enhanced our spiritual journey but also made us more harmonious, peaceful, and moral individuals. I distinctly remember learning about this in the Ashram and being struck by its similarities to the concept of the Deadly Sins in Christianity.

Hindu Concept (Arishadvarga)	Translation	Christian Counterpart (Deadly Sin)	Translation	Kāma	Lust / Desire	Lust	Excessive or immoral sexual craving
Krodha	Anger	Wrath	Uncontrolled rage or vengeance
Lobha	Greed	Greed	Excessive desire for wealth or power
Moha	Delusion / Attachment	Envy (partial overlap)	Resentment of others’ success or status
Mada	Pride / Ego	Pride	Arrogance and inflated self-worth
Matsarya	Envy / Jealousy	Envy	Desire for what others possess
(No direct equivalent)	—	Gluttony	Overindulgence in food or drink
(No direct equivalent)	—	Sloth	Laziness or spiritual apathy

Clearly these features of human beings are an important focus for members of each faith or tradition. The message about what these traits actually are, and what committing spiritual work with them actually achieves has a significant difference. The yogis believed placed a large emphasis on the different states of mind that existed within every human being. Without going into all the dimensions, because it is quite extensive, I will distinguish between the animal and primitive self (similar to the ID concept on Freudian psychology), and the highest self.

In the yogic tradition, the animal facet of us is inseparable from our bodies; it is our bodies that are 'animalistic', require food, water and therefore dependent on materials. It is our bodies that produce drives for sex and other potentially harmful drives like power and status, greed - and the six enemies that I listed before. Our minds are only problematic when they became fused or identified with the drives that occur in our senses. 

In Christianity, the emphasis is different, it's not so much become imbued with the divinity of God, where one becomes a godly figure themselves, it's more they have a relationship with God, they receive benefits through active devotion and trust in God, but they themselves are always at a distance to God. (It's Not only is this process a moral one, therefore, its also spiritual creating a direct relationship to the divine. When this occurs, according to the tradition, however, 

The surprising ways Ashrams actually produce growth

I've been living in the Ashram for three months now, dedicating much of my time to the prescribed spiritual practices like meditation, Hatha Yoga, Chanting, Karma yoga, etc. These practices have been truly wonderful—my body has undergone significant positive changes, my mind feels different, and while there’s still plenty of mental clutter, I’ve had many moments of genuine stillness which has been profound to experience. Surprisingly, however, I'm starting to realise that the other 'non-practice' facets of living in the Ashram, are what actually creates the most potential for growth. These facets are both the constant demand of the structure and routine, and how it forces individuals to be in constant contact with each other.

The Ashram really is a highly spiritual, generous, giving, peaceful or harmonious place. The classes are wonderful, and rightly, it attracts people who wish to deepen their sense of spirituality, the connection to the prescribed practices or different parts of themselves and tune out from the distractions of the material world. The Ashram is also highly demanding environment though, and as one spends longer there, it naturally produces uncomfortable feelings & states of mind. It also gently but surely, provokes the full spectrum of interpersonal dynamics amongst its long-term residents: relationships form, abruptly end, or fade away, envy develops, stories are shared and fabricated, conflicts occur within groups, out-casting happens, leaders emerge, resentment festers, and so on. In short, all the normal individual and group behaviours we see in the social world, are also present in the Ashram, if not more!!

Before arriving, I naively believed that the negativity I encountered in the real world wouldn't exist in the Ashram. I imagined it to be a perfect place. So, when I started noticing the subtle yet powerful dynamics at play, I was caught off guard. My mind spiraled into disapproving and frustrated thoughts that feel a bit embarrassing to admit: "Isn't this an Ashram? Shouldn't it be totally peaceful?" and "Wow, I guess it's all just a waste of time, like everything else." After much reflection and reading, I realised that the challenges and tests people face in the Ashram are exactly what make it so effective. The Ashram is designed to bring out and confront the darker and weaker parts of ourselves, helping us rise above them. 

Swami Satyananda, who dedicated his life to teaching in Ashrams, understood that they could be challenging environments for people, but he believed this difficulty was essential for change. In the quotes below, he highlights the importance of facing suppressed and negative emotions and rising above them. He also stresses that unpleasant circumstances are crucial for awakening hidden aspects of the psyche and starting the transformation process.

“All the emotions which have been avoided and suppressed need to come out. The karma which was holding up one's evolution will have to be worked out. The inherent desires and ambitions have to be exhausted and expressed, otherwise they merely remain in a dormant state in the mind as barriers between one's present state of existence and the absolute experience.” —  Swami Satyananda Saraswati, Sadhana: The Path of Transformation

  “Samskaras of the past have to be burned; disease, discomfort, disturbance, insult, unpleasant situations all help to purge foreign matter from the soul. This is the meaning of purification.” — Swami Satyananda Saraswati, Sadhana: The Path of Transformation

What is the spiritual path? 

The spiritual path is a personal journey toward spiritual ideals. There are numerous accessible spiritual texts and practices designed to guide individuals along the way. Stories of Gurus or Swamis who have undergone profound transformation are abundant. Studying their lives, following their teachings, or simply being in their presence can inspire progress. From various sources, I’ve gathered key principles and values that appear to define a deeply spiritual or evolved person. While enlightenment is unique to each individual, these qualities, in my view, are universal to all seekers. 

-  Remain equanimous in all situations 

- Authentically feel and express universal love to all beings 

- To be free from attachment to material possessions or sense of personal identity 

- To fully live in the present moment 

- To live a life of selfless action 

- Feel a radiant inner peace and as such are unshaken by chaos or conflict around them 

- To have resolved inner turmoil and conflicts 

 

The Ashram shows you where you stand

Early on in my Ashram experience, despite fully engaging with the practices, my flaws compared to the spiritual ideal became glaringly obvious. While this was quite uncomfortable at the time, I now see it as a unique and precious gift. In the outside world, even though I knew I was far from enlightened, I had enough escape mechanisms and coping strategies to keep the truth buried. Whenever something uncomfortable surfaced, I could just distract myself with activities that made me feel good, skillfully avoiding any harsh self-confrontation. It seems almost normal in our culture for people to drift through life without facing such truths. Anyway, here are a few examples of situations that brought out some unpleasant truths about myself: 

-  I recall the anxiety I felt around my first solo breakfast shift and how disappointed I felt when not everyone in the Ashram loved the unique ingredients I selected 

- My shyness meant I struggled to stick up for myself with others who were constantly critiquing my cleaning 

- I struggled to balance my social needs with the needs to grow intellectually 

- Resentment festered towards others who were making for friends

- Resentment grew towards people who I didn't see as taking spirituality seriously 

- I felt parts of me enjoy seeing certain people being excluded

- An inability to focus on basic tasks, especially when I sensed conflict or unease around someone

- A lack of courage around having difficult conversations and expressing what I needed to others

As uncomfortable as these experiences were, they were the moments that revealed the most and led to significant growth. As I was practicing mediation and yoga so frequently, I came to be far better at observing and distancing myself from my inner reactions. Somehow, I was able to compare myself to my spiritual ideal, and then my personality commenced evolving. For example, I overcame my shyness to stand up for myself and my boundaries, developed tolerance & acceptance towards behaviours & people I disliked, learned to balance and manage inner conflicts, cultivated the discipline needed to focus, identified unhelpful thought patterns rooted in habit rather than reality, and retrained those patterns to be more positive and life-affirming.

I hope readers can grasp the points I've aimed to share through my honest example in this blog. Life in the Ashram, with its relationships and the stress they bring, makes it impossible to ignore the negative aspects of oneself as they naturally and frequently arise. Yet, being in the Ashram, blending these challenges with spiritual practices, nurtures the process of transcending these parts of oneself.

What I hoped from the Ashram was an environment of peace and harmony, where I could easily commit myself to spiritual practices. In the end, my experience was quite different, which I am truly grateful for. 

 

A New Chapter

I gave my mother a call this morning as I was sitting in the town's trendy health foods cafe. We had a lovely catch up as we always do. She's had surgery recently on her foot where she developed some kind of debilitating arthritis condition. But her recovery time requires her to be immobile for 3 months or so, making her engagement with the world around her fairly limited. I've been away for a long time too, its coming up to four months since I've been living in an Ashram. My stay there means my contact with the outside world is also fairly limited and so for each of us the regular catch up had more rigour than normal. 

We discussed the normal kinds of things like how certain family members are going, how are we progressing with our immediate goals and the evolving ideas around our potential futures, perceptions around the nature of the outer world around us. I told her specifically, that I had decided to sit myself down in the local cafe this morning to just, write. I said that I hadn't really written seriously for a long time, but that in this moment I'd recognised my experience of the Ashram had forced me to. 

In the Ahram there is always so much happening both between people in the living arrangement, and internally for any spiritual aspirant. I had committed myself to the practices as thoroughly as I could have, and learnt as much as I could about the tradition I was now immersed in. In recent weeks though, my reading dropped off, admittedly, partly due to finding a chapter from the Upanishads that really required a lot of digesting. Also, my focus on the practices themselves had dropped off somewhat too. When this happens, a genuine seeker has to ask themselves why. Am I losing faith in this process, this tradition? Are there other desires arising in me that are causing me to deviate from my intention? Are any of the desires healthy...?

As the tradition, and well a lot of Eastern spiritual thought will tell you, the answer to these questions arises when one creates space within oneself. This occurred for me quite successfully four days ago on Sunday afternoon when I decided to use my limited time off to go for a bush stroll in the neighbouring forest. As I tried to observe every thought, and sensation as I traversed the incredibly natural and bushy realm, it occurred to me in a flash of insight, that was far more illuminous than the typical kind of activity that seeks to distract the soul from itself. 

The insight arrived in a series of questions to myself: Maybe you're full? Maybe you've absorbed too much? Maybe there's simply not enough room inside to put it in? Then I started to answer these questions with more questions, however, I could tell these were now answers because of their positive tone which reflected excitement and relief: Maybe, just maybe, it's time to write again!!?? Maybe you've reached that point!!?? Maybe what you feared was a dwindling of commitment, was in fact, the opposite - an inner requirement to spiel, describe, articulate, share!!

Of course, this was where I was at. I mean if I was to just step back from myself for just a bit, the amount of experience and ideas that have been trailing through my mind recently is so large that I wouldn't be able to actually discern it all properly. This is perhaps the point of it all, that there was too mush going on internally, and so it was time to document. 

In response to this story, Mum suggested I start up a blog, because she knew how much I had written in the past and she knew that I loved delving deeply into ideas and to make sense of experience, but that I should I find a way to communicate these with the world, rather in relative solitude or isolated conversations. 

Immediately, following that conversation I looked up how to start a blog and for no reason in particular chose Blogger over WordPress. When I signed in through Gmail, I found a bunch of blogs that apparently, I'd already written from 2013. Blogs that were fairly interesting, deep and compelling to my reading eyes. It turns out that I had actually started this project about 12 years ago, which stopped abruptly enough for to me completely forget about it.

I don't really know why this first attempt at blogging stopped so definitively. But I do know now that any commitment or resolve that I'm making right now is far stronger than what would have been those years ago. 

I won't dish out those reasons right now, but I will disclose my resolve. This will be to regularly (at least once per fortnight), post to this blog. At this stage I'm not exactly sure what the posts will be about, or even why I'm posting aside from an obvious need to communicate my experience. Some of the posts will be direct reflections from my experience, some may be educational around topics that have recently fascinated me, they might be the lyrics to songs or the songs themselves. I'm sure as time progress a style and intent for the posts will refine and crystalise into something more particular. As for now, it will stand as it is, quite loose. 

What I can say assuredly, however, is that I am committed to a spiritual path. This is my direction I've chosen as an individual which will surely take me down and through many different types of experience. Thos blog, is ultimately a reflection of that journey

Thinking too much

Do you think too much? Do you come up with great ideas, but dont follow through with them because you gave it so much thought that you managed to think your self out of it? And then you ended back where you were originally, excpet worse; because when you were thinking about whether or not you should follow through with this amazing idea, you stopped living in the present. Through that thinking process, which you probably enjoyed - because you like to entertain ideas in your mind - you ignored all the joys that your present situation has to offer. When we do this for too long, we start to forget about how good our present situation is. The only way to enjoy it, is to dream of a better one! And bitch about this one!

And so we become dreamers and thinkers, who mean well, but grow increasignly less jovial about our life. We start to lose control and belief in ourselves, and we get to a point where we feel like our ideas will never become anything! Our hopes and aspirations will never become anything. We sit, stuck in a stale mate, never progressing, never ending a game of wishing. And this all occurs because of thought. But why does this thought occur? and stop us from mobillising?

Unfortunately in this society we are taught to think and not feel. Our educational system encourages decisions based on thought, and has little room for decisions based on feeling. For those of us who are truly the earths creatures, we are guided by our connection to the earth, and the feelings we receive from the universe. If your thoughts are ideas, and become easily made into a tornado of such, then you are placing too much importance on the thought process. Your ideas are beautiful. They are what makes this world shine bright, but you must remember that you never need to justify them. You must learn about your ability for inner knowingness, and always trust this, without needing further thought.

Our thought becomes the clouds in a beautiful blue sky. They clog up the beautiful clearness but fullness of that deep blue, and move in the way of the sun and its rays stopping its energy from reaching its home. Your life is that home, and you should not let those thoughts clog up and kill your life. Learn how to trust your inner knowingness.

Ambition and desire

As soon as we have personal desire and ambition, we isolate ourselves. We become focused on the goal, on the future objective, and put this before what is really important. I myself have done this on many occasions, put my work before my friends and family. I have felt many times that I need to work to keep my friends and family. The reality is that the more I put emphasis on my work, the further I am from my family and friends, and my soul wains every time. But every time, soon after I feel this burning desire to chase again, to give myself a goal, to get myself out of my situation and into a better one. I start to hate my situation, and bitch about the people in it, because I start to dream of better people in some distant world if I do this and this. Its this crazy cycle. I know that the pursuit is the devil in me, and I remove myself from it when it comes, but I always find myself coming back to it. Why?

Its not hard to come up with a few answers for this one. We are reminded every day of the possibilities this world has to offer us. We are taught to idolise famous people, sports people, models, musicians, which creates gaps between classes in society. We have the lower people, the middle, the upper middle and the elite. Everyone is reminded of the elite, and now in this prosperous society which is full of opportunities, we are told that anyone can achieve whatever they want. Anybody can do anything. You can be whoever you want to be! This is what the modern self help people are teaching to people. They say that you can model the habits and adopt the beliefs of people who have reached success and then you can be just like them - looked up to, respected, deserving, earning lots of money. Do we not see that this whole system is a giant trap!? Is it not designed to keep us wanting, to keep us moving up an endless scale, which leaves us forgetting about what is really important. Why is society set up like this? Why does society push away from friends and family, rather than bring us closer?

Well I suppose that from a functionality perspective, a nation of ambition would equal a nation of productivity. A nation of productivity has a good economy, can achieve more greatness in many things, which can build a reputation amongst other countries in the world. In other words, our society is programmed for unhappiness. Our society is founded on ego, where the best are rewarded and the worst are not. This is why everyone is unhappy. How many people do we know are truly happy and content with their lives? How many people feel at peace with their lives? I can sense sadness in almost every person I meet. Even when I go out socialising and people are at their finest, expressing themselves loudly and exuberantly. And yes, even the finest people, the intelligent and the successful, they too have these deep anguishes in side them. In fact, most of these figures may perhaps be the worst off, because they are the ones who have truly separated themselves from society. Often they have lived lives of chasing and dreaming, overcoming and backstabbing to reach their goals. They are the ones who are truly alienated. In some cases, the ones who truly have broad purpose, the true actors and true leaders, or musicians or sportsman, have realised that their talents/abilities are not theirs, they are merely gifts from God unto which that person is born to share with the world. For the truly talented, it will not be hard for you to remove yourself from your work and spend time with your family, because your work seems fairly easy for you. As long as you remember that your gift is not yours, it is Gods, your gift is not used for your personal achievement, but for humanity, then you will become closer with the important parts of this world, rather then farther.

Even when I say these words, my depth of feeling is to find my great talent. We all want to be talented and gifted don't we? The truth is that we are. We all have different streams of purpose. The less intelligent people will generally have greater capacity for caring and loving. These people, just by emitting this care and love to the world is a gift. Any one of these people who realise that this is their true gift, and devote themselves to this gift selflessly, will overtime receive recognition anyway.

Thankfully, society recognises good will. Us caring people tend to forget that it is a talent, because it is so easy for us, but we must remember that it is. We can often feel like we are unappreciated for what we do, and when we feel like this, we must firstly become aware, then secondly replace this feeling with joy, by realising that you are doing Gods work as he set it out for you. When people disrespect you, and or take advantage of your gifts, or your gifts have expired on that person (meaning that you have cared all you can care for this person, or you have said all you can say) you must be able to let yourself go from them. We are not here to save individuals individually, but we work together by spreading across the globe by putting our self in a place for some time, then moving on. Because when we leave, your message becomes very important for the learner. This is when they realise how it feels to have Gods touch of human selfless care and/ or wisdom be with them - when it is without.